Nothing Else Matters
by Mischel
Summary: SPN s13 SPOILERS! My season 13 coda series. Destiel :)
1. 13x01 CODA

**Hi! So as I promised in my last season's coda series, I'm back for season 13! I should have probably written this earlier, but for my excuse, I was at a wedding over the weekend and had literally no time. Also, I haven't read any coda fanfics for this episode yet and I'm sorry if it's similar to something you've already read or if it's literally the same. I've already watched the episode three times and these are just a few scenes/moments I'd like to add. Enjoy! :)**

 **Warning: a lot of it is from Dean's POV, which means _swearing,_ obviously. Also, _PAIN._**

 **13X01 LOST AND FOUND  
** **A Different Kind of Love**

* * *

It takes him a while to make another step. Let alone walk to the other side of the room, right where- where _he_ is lying on the table, covered in a beige sheet. A sheet that Dean had covered him with, his eyes full of tears, and so overwhelmed with emotions that it was getting too hard to keep it all inside. Way harder than it usually was.

But that's okay. Is it okay? It is okay, isn't it? The only one around who can clearly see what state he's in is Sam, and it's okay if he knows it. He probably already knows anyway.

But Cas _didn't._

Damn it, he should have told him right after he almost died because of Ramiel. He should have manned up and told him everything instead of waiting until it was too late. There's always a _too late_ , in their lives.

Another person who'd see how fucking broken he is is Jack. Dean's not sure how he feels about that, but he doesn't plan on talking to the kid anyway.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Another step closer. And another, and another.

He's standing above the body now, looking down and doing his best not to break down. He knows there's no going back, no fixing this. Because Chuck doesn't care and the universe is a shitty place to live in when you're Dean Winchester.

Everyone you love dies.

Mary, John, Ash, Pamela, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Benny, Kevin, Charlie, Eileen, Crowley, Sam . . . Cas.

He takes the sheet and pulls it back, looking down at the love of his love – yes, the fucking _love_ of his _screwed up_ life. He knows that now. And he didn't tell Cas. All he did was make him a mixtape and he's sure Cas didn't even know what that meant anyway.

Dean looks up and holds his breath.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe in. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Breathe out.

Is he calmer now? Of course he fucking isn't. He looks down one more time at Cas's closed eyes and lips that won't ever smile at him again. Not that they did that often, but when they did and his eyes sparkled, it was like the sun had come out after days of rain.

This is the last time he sees him. This is their last goodbye. No more texts with emojis and no more pats on the back.

He turns his head away and lays his hand down on Cas' chest. He stretches out his fingers and doesn't look down until he finds the mixtape in Cas' inside pocket. The one closer to his heart. Dean pulls it out, adjusts Cas' overcoat and pulls back the sheet, looking only at the mixtape now.

Will he ever listen to all those songs again? His favorite songs? They used to be the best, but now they only serve as a reminder of everything that he's lost.

After he puts the mixtape into his own pocket, he looks around the room and tears the light yellow curtains into pieces. When he's done with that, he walks back to Cas and starts wrapping him and preparing him for the funeral.

This is the part that usually the closest member of the family to the deceased does. Or their partner.

And he's sure Sam knows that too.

xoXÖXox

It's just manual work, something to make him stop thinking about everything that's happened. With the ax in his hands and another tree down, he can start preparing enough wood for the pyre. He takes a swing and feels his muscles burning with effort. It's better than the other kind of pain, so why not continue?

But it doesn't take long and Sam joins him, with an equally sad expression. He's glad that Jack isn't with him, the kid seemed to connect with Sam for some reason. Whatever the reason is, he just hopes it doesn't last long and that once they know how to kill Jack, there won't be any problem doing it.

Before Sam starts, he looks at him and their eyes meet. Dean nods slightly and avoids his brother's stare, and then it's just the sound of the axes against the thin tree trunks and thick branches.

As soon as he gathers enough, he carries it over to the pyre, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

Before he can go back to the woods and join his brother though, a voice stops him.

"Dean?"

It's Jack.

Dean rolls his eyes and turns around, seeing that the nephilim is walking towards him. He's really excited to finally have a conversation with him. If Cas was here, he probably wouldn't understand the sarcasm of that statement.

"I'm sorry for what happened," Jack says. He looks sympathetic. Dean just hopes Sam didn't tell that kid anything that he didn't need to know about Cas and himself or the relationship they'd had. Or the lack thereof.

"I'm really not in a mood for a talk right now," Dean frowns at him.

"I know that Castiel meant a lot to you," Jack tells him, making Dean even more uncomfortable than he already is. "And although I don't know much, I know that it can help a lot to know that someone knows how you're feeling. Clark helped me to-"

"Cut the crap and get to the point," Dean interrupts him, tightening his hold on the ax in his hand. He's aware of the sudden urge to use it, but he's holding it back. It wouldn't do much against a nephilim anyway.

"I know how you feel," Jack nods at him, making Dean frown even more. "I've lost both my parents today."

"Lucifer's still kicking," Dean says, "but unless you can create another rift and jump through it, preferably staying on the other side, you won't see him again."

"That's not- Lucifer isn't my father."

This time, Dean raises his eyebrows instead of more frowning. "Come again?"

"He is my biological father, but I chose my father to be Castiel," Jack informs him as if Dean's supposed to already know that.

"What?"

"He promised to protect me." Jack looks down and then looks into Dean's eyes. He looks so much like Castiel in that moment that Dean almost drops the ax completely. "I know what his loss feels like."

"You don't have a fucking clue what his _loss_ means to me," Dean tells himself to take a deep breath, but once he starts, it's like he can't stop and all that anger has to come out. "You don't have a fucking clue, _Cas_ wasn't my _father_ , Jack. He'd saved me more times than I can count and I'm sorry, but have you even met him? You know nothing about him, all you did was sockpuppet him to help you and now you're saying his loss means to you as much as it does to me? Do you know how much it hurts? Do you want to give up everything and never have to face the world without him again? I'm sorry, but have you lost all your remaining will to live? No? What a fucking surprise! You're half an archangel, the worst one that there even is and if you even _can_ feel anything, then you don't feel half of what I'm feeling here, okay? So the next time you try to compare me and you, do me a favor and don't even start. Cas was everything to me and you used him and- and- I said I'm not in a mood for a talk right now!"

He rushes past Jack and into the house, he exits the house from the other side and stops for a while, looking at the ground. His heart is pounding in his chest and his breathing is too fast, but once he closes his eyes and concentrates enough, it's gone and all he's left with is the emptiness that he knows all too well by now.

After another deep breath, he sits down on the steps and all he does is listen to the surroundings. He hears birds. A lot of them. And crunching steps on the other side of the house. Muffled voices.

Dean drops the ax and looks at his Baby. She's dirtier than he ever remembers her being. There's a clear _BITCH_ written on the backseat window, and the fact that the window is covered in enough dust to make it possible to write on it makes him even sadder. And when he realizes that it was that fucking bitch angel who had touched his car and written the word there, he feels angry. But on the outside? He doesn't do anything.

It's like he's lost his hope. There is no point in anything anymore and the world will be forever dark.

And all that because he lost him.

He lost him and this time, it's permanent.

xoXÖXox

As soon as Sam hears shouting, he drops his ax and runs back to the house. But all he sees when he arrives is his brother, rushing away from Jack, and the nephilim, looking sad and confused.

"What happened?" Sam asks when he gets closer. Jack turns to him with a slight frown.

"I don't- I . . . I don't know."

Sam winces as the door shuts loudly behind Dean. "Well, what did he say?"

Jack starts slowly, as if trying to say it exactly like Dean did. "He said that I have never met Castiel and therefore can't know what his loss means to him. He also said I should never compare what he feels to what I feel."

Sam purses his lips, knowing well that Jack carefully chose the words. He himself heard a few words here and there from what Dean was yelling.

"But I don't understand," Jack continues before Sam can say anything. "Why would he say that? I lost Castiel too."

Sam nods at that and blinks away his tears. "Cas . . . he wasn't our father, Jack," he explains. "What you're feeling . . . is different, and I know it hurts, but . . . not even I can imagine what it feels like to Dean."

"How is that possible?"

"Cas was my best friend, no doubt. And I loved him like a brother, you know? You chose him as your father, Jack, and even though you haven't really met him, you gave him your trust." Sam takes a deep breath and glances at the closed door of the house. "But for Dean . . . I think it's a different kind of love."

Jack takes a few seconds to process this. "So what you are saying is . . . that although we all loved Castiel . . . His relationship with Dean was stronger?"

"You could say that," Sam nods and clears his throat. He doesn't know if Jack fully understands, but he knows that it's not really his place to tell him. He's not even sure Dean knows how obvious he is, but Sam's known about his feelings for a while.

"Come on," Sam sighs. "You can help me with the pyre while Dean's . . . resting."

He manages a slight smile and turns around, walking back into the woods.

Jack follows him without a word.

xoXÖXox

The flames are high and the smoke is dark. This is it. He's gone. He'll never return to their lives. And all he'd left them with is . . . Jack. Dean doesn't even know how to feel after the kid told him he chose Cas as his father.

Did he even sockpuppet Cas at all? Was Cas really putting all his faith into Jack? Was Dean wrong about him? Was he another _Claire_?

For some reason, he can't even close his eyes. The fire is too mesmerizing, if that's the right word to use. Because it fucking hurts to watch his _everything_ go up in flames. But he still can't look away. Because this is the last moment he's got.

His mouth is open and he can't help but think about everything he had to do to stand here, even though he tries really hard not too:

The room was a little bit darker when he walked in the third time. And Cas was already all wrapped up, prepared for what was coming next. Dean remembers what it was like walking towards him and holding back his tears, screams, and anger.

Now he's just exhausted.

When he put his arm under Cas' shoulders and the other one under his knees, he took a deep breath and lifted him up. He was heavy. And he expected his head to fall down on his shoulder like it did when he had carried him into the house, but it was covered in a sheet now and wrapped in the curtains and he couldn't move anymore.

Dean walked out of the house like that, his expression hard and cold. He didn't say anything when Sam offered his help. He walked up to the pyre and laid the body down, right next to Kelly, staying only a second longer than he'd planned to, and then climbing down and joining his brother and Jack in front of the house.

The flames are still burning and his mouth is still open and the smoke is still too dark. And he's still standing there, not sure if he can ever move again.

But he will. He has to.

Because Cas would have wanted him to carry on.

* * *

 **Well, I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think :P**


	2. 13x02 CODA

**I'm back with another coda! What do you think about the episode? I loved all the Sam/Jack scenes, but the last one with Dean broke my heart :'(**

 **This coda includes: Dean hallucinating sheep on the road, Dean taking a walk after the bar scene, and Jack asking Sam for a new t-shirt. Everything then ends with more Scooby-Doo :) Enjoy!**

 **13X02 THE RISING SON  
Uncle Sam Knows Best**

* * *

"Dean, _the problem_ might be our only shot at saving mom."

"Mom's gone. There's no fixing that," Dean had said.

That was an hour ago.

They still had at least 11 hours of the road in front of them and Dean was driving with his eyes almost closed. He hasn't had enough sleep and he refused to let Sam get behind the wheel, and that attitude was both irritating Sam and both making him feel sad. It was pretty obvious that Dean was hurting, _a lot_ , but he just couldn't let him drive them off the road.

"Dude," Sam sighed. "That's enough, just let me-"

"What did I say?" Dean rolled his eyes. "This is my car, okay?" he added, but Sam saw that he was trying hard to keep his eyes open.

"Dean, look at yourself," Sam tried again, turning to Dean as much as he could in the car. "I know that it hurts . . . I know that losing Cas-"

"Why do you keep talking about him? He's dead. And there's no fixing that either," Dean snapped at him. Sam quickly glanced at Jack, relieved that he was still asleep, and then he pursed his lips and looked at Dean again.

He knew exactly what was happening. He could read Dean like an open book and he knew that losing Cas was probably the hardest thing that Dean had to go through, maybe ever since losing Bobby. And Sam was really worried about him, but there had to be something to make Dean let go of the steering wheel.

"You know," Sam kept his voice down and looked at the road in front of them. "Jack said that he chose Cas to be his father."

"What?" Dean frowned. "Lucifer's-"

"Yeah, I know, but Jack _chose_ Cas. And Kelly was a good person too, you know? Maybe we could-"

"Sam, I really don't want to talk about this right now, okay? Nothing will ever change the fact that his dad is Lucifer and that means that there's no changing him either. Now, shut up."

"Dean-"

"Sam!"

Sam pursed his lips again and looked out of the window. He could work on Dean's opinion of Jack later. He was sure that once Dean talked to Jack more and got to know him better, he'd change his mind. At least a little bit. If Jack thought that Dean hated him, well, that meant that Sam had to try his best to let Jack know that he himself believed in him.

But what was more important right now was avoiding a car accident on an empty road. And even though Dean didn't look as tired as he looked pissed right now, he still needed to rest at least a little bit.

"Alright, but at least let me drive. You can't just-"

"Weren't you supposed to shut up?"

Sam couldn't help it, he just had to roll his eyes. Maybe he'd try again in a couple of minutes, but he could tell that Dean was getting angry and an angry Dean was not something he wanted to deal with right now. Especially with Jack in the backseat, still asleep.

A couple of miles later, Dean violently turned the steering wheel and hit the brakes.

"Son of a-"

"What the hell, man?"

"What is going on?" Jack asked from the back, now fully awake.

"Was that . . . a sheep?"

"A _sheep_?" Sam asked incredulously, his eyes just as wide as his brother's.

Dean looked confused, but when Sam looked at the dark road and saw nothing, he couldn't stay silent any longer.

"Alright, that's it." He shook his head and opened the door, getting out. When he noticed that Jack opened his door as well, he quickly turned to him and shook his head. "You can stay in the car, but Dean," he bent down and looked at his brother who was still in the Impala, "you're definitely getting out."

"Man, I told you-"

"Yeah, and I've had enough." Sam cut him off as he walked to the other side of the car, opening Dean's door. "Get out. I can drive the car too and right now, you _can't_."

Dean rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath, which sounded suspiciously like _jerk._ Sam ignored it and waited until Dean got out of the car. And as soon as he was behind the wheel and Dean was sitting next to him, he made the decision to drive them to the nearest town and find the nearest hotel as soon as possible.

xoXÖXox

"You know what? I'm good. Uh, I'm gonna take a walk," Dean smiled at the waitress and stood up, finishing his glass of whiskey. Then he put some money on the bar counter. "There you go, thank you."

"Thanks." The girl smiled.

Then he walked out the door. He never put his phone back inside his pocket.

It was cold out there. And considering that Dean still hasn't slept and felt both exhausted and _tired_ of their lives, he put his hands inside his pockets and continued walking through the dark street. Unfortunately for him, the bar was a part of the hotel that Sam chose to stay in, and so it was only a matter of minutes until he'd be back in their room. At least now, Jack was staying with Donatello.

But he didn't want to return yet. And that was the problem. He didn't want to talk to anyone, and he didn't want to see anyone and he just wished he could disappear and be back inside the bunker, with Sam and . . . and with Cas. He was the only one he really wanted to talk to right now.

He looked at his phone again and sighed. The picture of Cas was still on the screen, looking exactly like it looked when he was sitting in the bar and staring at it. Maybe that was why he left. Talking to someone while staring at the same picture of a guy on his phone was just weird.

At least now he was alone. And even though it was dark and cold and Sam was probably still looking for Jack, returning to their room seemed like a bad idea. Because who needed sleep anyway, right?

"What am I supposed to do, Cas?" he whispered. Was that a prayer? He wasn't sure. But if Chuck was someone he never wanted to pray to again, at least he could pray to Cas. He wouldn't hear him. He knew that. And it was pointless anyway, but . . . he just couldn't help it. What was he supposed to do?

"I wish you were here, man," he sighed as he closed his eyes and turned away from the hotel. His eyes landed on a dark park with dark trees and dark benches. But it was a better place than his and Sam's room right now. So he crossed the road and sat down on the nearest bench, looking up into the sky. He couldn't even see the stars with all the clouds up there.

"This is all my fault," he continued with a deep breath. He rubbed his eyes with his fingers and sighed, trying hard not to let the tears come. Cas was dead because of him. And there was no fixing that. There was no cure for an angel blade piercing through an angel.

After a while, he looked at his phone again and found himself scrolling through his contacts. His thumb stopped on Cas and before he knew it, he was calling him. Hesitantly, he put the phone to his ear and closed his eyes, just listening and waiting.

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice . . . a mail."

Dean took another deep shaky breath and put his phone back into his pocket, ending the call. This was ridiculous. He was being ridiculous. Cas was dead and he needed to deal with that. The main problem now was deciding what to do with Jack and he should be focusing on that. At least until they got back into the bunker.

With a grunt, he stood up and looked at the hotel across the street. Then he checked his watch – almost 1am. And with another sigh, he headed for their room and for his cold and empty bed.

xoXÖXox

Dean sighed and stood up, clearing his throat. Sam really wanted to talk to him about Jack again because . . . Sam really didn't want Jack to think that Dean hated him. And even though that might have been true, he still wanted to try to make Dean understand.

"Dean, wait a second," he found himself saying. Dean stopped and looked at him, waiting for Sam to continue. Sam took a deep breath and readied himself for Dean's anger again. "The kid came through for us today," he started. "Jack saved us."

"No," Dean simply replied and Sam frowned. What did he have to do to make Dean understand? He knew that he thought Jack couldn't be saved, but he could at least try to pretend, couldn't he? At least in front of Jack. He didn't want to find him crying again.

"No, whatever that was, that was a reflex," Dean continued, shaking his head. Sam sighed. "It was a sneeze. Maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us." It looked like Dean wanted to say something more but decided against it. "Good night," he finished and left the kitchen.

Sam only sighed again. Was there even something that would make Dean see that Jack wanted to do the right thing?

After a while, Sam heard Dean shut the door to his door rather loudly. And after that, he heard footsteps, undoubtedly getting closer to the kitchen. He looked up just as Jack arrived and stopped in front of the door.

"Do you have a new t-shirt please?" he asked, looking sad and with tears in eyes. But Sam's eyes widened as soon as he realized how Jack looked and what was wrong with his first t-shirt.

"What the hell happened?" He immediately stood up and ran to Jack's side. "Did . . . did Dean-"

"No, it was me," Jack looked down, looking ashamed. Sam let out a huge sigh of relief but returned to being worried mere seconds later. "Jack, why'd you-"

"It healed immediately," Jack looked up into Sam's eyes. "And I have no control over it, it just . . . healed whenever I stabbed."

"Jack, hurting yourself . . . that's not a good thing," Sam tried to explain. He put his hand on Jack's shoulder and looked into his sad eyes, trying to be supportive and understanding. "I know that everything feels confusing right now, I get it. But the best thing you can do is learn how to control it and that will take time. But I'll be here whenever you need me."

"Thank you," Jack nodded and sniffled.

Sam sighed again and looked at Jack's chest, taking his hand off his shoulder. "Come on," he led him to the hall. "I'll find you a new t-shirt."

They went past Dean's room, which seemed a little too silent, and entered Sam's room. Jack stood by the bed, while Sam opened his wardrobe and tried to find any old t-shirt that wasn't too big for Jack. Or at least not as big as most of them were.

"Dean doesn't believe that I can be saved," Jack mumbled and sat down on Sam's bed. Sam turned to him and pursed his lips.

"He doesn't," he nodded. "But I'm trying hard to persuade him that you can be saved."

"Thank you for believing that," Jack smiled softly. Sam went back to searching through his clothes.

"You know, Dean isn't really himself these days," Sam continued. "Normally, he wouldn't be so angry all the time. He's not a bad person."

"I know that losing my father hurts him," Jack said. "I can feel that whenever he's in the room."

Sam stopped looking for a t-shirt and his shoulders slumped. "Yeah," he mumbled quietly. "Cas was . . . he was family. And now that he's gone, everything seems darker, you know?"

"Yes, I understand."

"Here it is," Sam smiled as he turned around and showed Jack his old blue t-shirt. "I used to wear this way back in college. I don't even know why I still have it," he chuckled.

Jack stood up and accepted the t-shirt, saying, "thank you."

"No problem," Sam smiled. He took Jack's old t-shirt as he took it off and threw it in the trash can in the corner of the room. When Jack was wearing the new blue t-shirt, Sam smiled at him. "See? It fits you just fine."

Sam was glad when Jack smiled at him.

"Tell me more about my father," Jack asked as he sat down on the bed again.

Sam nodded and sat down beside him. What was he supposed to tell him? He knew that he was probably the only one Jack could ask since Dean would refuse to talk about the angel immediately. So he smiled at Jack and cleared his throat.

"Cas . . . was an angel. He was a great friend, he was always there for us and he always tried to do the right thing."

"He sounds nice," Jack smiled. "How did you meet him?"

Sam chuckled at that. "That was almost nine years ago, he . . . he saved Dean. Dean had died and ended up in Hell, and Castiel . . . he saved him. Brought him back to life and he's stayed with us ever since."

Jack nodded. "He did love Dean."

"What?" Sam frowned.

Jack only smiled. "I . . . remember a few things. Feelings. I remember that when I chose Castiel to be my father, I felt his love for Dean. It was very strong."

Sam smiled at that. His smile disappeared as soon as he realized that Cas would never return to them though. "Yeah, I know."

"How . . . how did he die?"

Sam took a deep breath and looked at Jack with sympathy in his teary eyes. "He died trying to save us," he told him. He wasn't sure if it was the best idea to tell Jack that Lucifer was the one who killed his father. At least not now.

"I wish I could have met him, at least once."

Sam didn't know what to say to that. Cas wasn't coming back, not this time. He himself tried to pray to Chuck, but he didn't answer, just as Dean had told him. But even though Cas was gone, he left them a kid to take care of. And Sam was determined to make Jack feel as welcome as he could.

"Do you want to watch tv?" he asked him after a while. There was a tv in his room after all, and now that Dean wasn't there with them, he could let Jack watch whatever he wanted.

The smile that Jack gave him warmed Sam's heart.

"Could I?"

"Sure," he smiled as he stood up and went for the remote control, closing the wardrobe on his way. When he found it, he sat down next to Jack on his bed and turned the tv on. And of course it was Scooby-Doo that he found on one of the channels.

Sam put the remote control in between them and glanced at Jack, whose smile had only gotten bigger.

Yeah, if Dean didn't want to be there for Jack, then Sam would. He definitely would.

* * *

 **I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! :)**


	3. 13x04 CODA - Part 1

**I'm sorry I didn't write anything for 13x03, I watched the episode like 3 times and it was so emotional (especially the end), that I just didn't think I'd be able to write anything that would feel _right_. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, 13x04 was awesome!**

 **I know that usually, I write everything that I want for the episode and then put it all into one longer coda fanfic. But it's late and I'm exhausted (mostly because of NaNoWriMo ha), so I decided to post this little coda first. And tomorrow I'll hopefully have time to write more :)**

 **I really LOVED this episode. And although we've had a plenty of Cas grief in eps 01-03 and I'm really happy that they mentioned Mary in this ep (poor Sammy :'( ), I just miss it when they don't talk about Cas, so here you go. I hope you'll like it! :)**

 **13X04 THE BIG EMPTY  
Anger and Grief**

* * *

Dean brings the flask to his lips and takes a big sip, knowing well that this isn't the best way to deal, but doing it anyway. He's been doing that for too many years to stop now. But apparently, the shrink disagrees because when he looks at her, her eyes are on the flask in his hands and she smirks.

"Problem?" Dean asks.

"You just upset your brother so much he had to leave the room," she simply answers, looking at him as if he didn't know that Sam wasn't there. "And Jack? Look at him."

Dean does.

"He's terrified of you," Mia says.

"Nah," Dean dismisses her quickly. "No, we're simpatico. Right, kid?"

"We're simpatico," Jack repeats flatly. Dean fights the urge to roll his eyes and smiles at the doc as if everything's alright.

"Convincing," she says. This time, Dean does roll his eyes. "You're angry, Dean." Alright, here we go, she won't stop.

"And?"

"And if you don't want to do anything about it, that's your business." Damn right it is. "But you're aiming it at everyone in your life." Alright, okay. "So maybe you should think about that next time you upset your brother. Dealing with the loss of your mother can be very hard, I understand that-"

"Alright lady, let me tell you something, okay?" Dean straightens up in the couch and leans forward. "You don't understand squat. Mom's dead, and I know that. I'm not trying to bring her back like Sam is. As I said, mom was great. But now she's dead. And I wish she wasn't, but I spent my entire life without her. And losing her again? I could have expected that to happen one way or another. Nothing good ever lasts!"

He doesn't realize he was yelling at her until he's finished. But now he feels like maybe he said too much. Revealed too much. But in the end, what does it matter? They won't meet Mia again anyway.

"Is this about something else too?" She squints her eyes and leans forward just like he did.

That question takes Dean aback.

"Is there something you don't want to talk about? For example how much you want everyone to know that you're okay with your mother's death, but you don't look like you are at all? Or did you also lose someone else?" Bingo. Mia sure is one hell of a shrink.

"Castiel," Jack mumbles.

Both Dean and Mia turn to him. Mia with a question written all over her face, Dean with a threatening frown.

"Castiel?" Mia asks, glancing at Dean, but staying focused on Jack.

"My father," Jack answers and Dean has to roll his eyes again. This is ridiculous. What are they doing at a family therapy anyway? They should have gone here years ago, now it's too late.

"Yeah, alright," Dean interrupts them before Mia can answer. "Cas was Jack's sort-of-father even though he never met him, he was my best friend, and Jack here and I are not actually related at all. Happy?" He looks at Mia and then meaningfully at Jack, who only blinks at him.

"So you lost both your mother and your best friend?" Mia turns to Dean again. "How long have you known him?"

"Almost a decade," Dean sighs. Why is he even talking to her anyway? This is pointless.

"And I imagine you've been through a lot together." With every word she utters, Dean feels sadder and that makes him angrier. He just wishes she'd shut up already. Why did the kid even have to bring up Cas? He's dead too. And there's nothing they can do about that.

"I see, so now you want me to talk about him. Alright," he chuckles humorlessly. "He saved my life, I saved his, he betrayed us, then came back and saved us again, and even though he's died a couple times already, now he's dead for real. End of story."

The sorrow trapped underneath the anger inside him is threatening to show on the outside. He doesn't know how much longer this attitude can hold.

Mia is silent for a moment. "Now I can understand why you're so upset." She smirks at him. She fucking smirks. What is that supposed to mean?

Of course, that is the moment Sam chooses to run into the room with a gun in his hand.

And Dean's way too happy to grab his own gun and point it at someone. Because that anger is always better than his grief.

* * *

 **I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! :)**


	4. 13x04 CODA - Part 2

**So here you go, another coda :) I hope you'll like it! Enjoy! :D**

 **Summary: Dean has a weird dream and then Jack claims he can feel Castiel and that he knows where he is. Castiel is _alive,_ he says. And Dean, Sam and Jack go all looking for him.**

 **13X04 THE BIG EMPTY  
Faith**

* * *

It's been a long and exhausting day, and Dean was glad that he could finally get back to his bed. At first, he'd been planning to just listen to music and stop thinking about _anything._ For example, the thought of Jack looking exactly like Cas wouldn't leave his head. But now that his head hit the pillow, he didn't even bother reaching for the headphones.

He was asleep within minutes.

 _The flames were so small that they barely gave them any light in the night. The sun was already gone and the darkness was slowly spreading across the sand from the water and the hills in the distance. Now it was everywhere Dean looked – the only light left was the fire, and he couldn't look away from it._

 _Because that was Castiel burning there. And he'd never see him again._

 _Dean just stood there, wondering if this was the reality or another nightmare. He couldn't be sure anymore. Nothing felt normal after Cas died and he was sure that he's watched Cas burn exactly like this way too many times._

 _He closed his eyes and decided that if this was real or not, that didn't matter. He didn't care about anything anymore anyway. Cas was gone. Forever. Dead. Permanently this time._

 _And there was nothing he could do about it._

" _Dean," Sam whispered next to him. He probably noticed his tears. And Dean knew that Jack saw them too. Which was why he turned around without a word and went inside the house. The fire was almost dead anyway. Just like Cas._

 _Just like Dean inside._

 _His lips trembled, but he tried to fight it. He wasn't going to start sobbing like a baby in front of his brother and the satan's kid. He needed to be strong._

 _But then he looked up and he saw him. He saw_ him. _He was there._

" _Cas?" he whispered and in that moment, he knew this was a dream. Cas was dead and that was the truth. He knew he needed to accept that. There was nothing that would revive an angel after he took an angel blade into the heart._

" _Dean, it's me." Cas didn't even smile at him. He was just standing there, staring. "I'm here."_

 _And Dean knew that it wasn't true, but . . . something felt off. It felt too good for a dream. Every damn night since Cas and their mom died, he only had nightmares. So why would he have a dream like this now?_

" _Screw it," he mumbled as he walked over to Castiel and threw his arms around his shoulders – but he arms flew right through him. "What the hell? What kind of dream is this?"_

 _So it was a nightmare after all. And it was crueler than before._

" _Dean." Cas' deep voice was going to haunt Dean's dreams until he died too. "I'm here," he repeated._

 _Dean only frowned._

" _What do you mean?" he asked._

" _I'm_ here _."_

Dean woke up with a gasp and he sat up immediately. He was breathing fast and looking around the room, wondering what just happened and what he saw. But he remembered every second – he saw Cas. He saw him in his dream and this time it was . . . _different._ But what was different? What did he mean when he said he was _here_?

Before he could dismiss it and go back to sleep, the door to his room flew open.

"Dean!" It was Jack.

Dean sighed. One time he said the kid did good and now he thought he could do whatever he wanted? "What-"

"I feel Castiel!" he exclaimed, not letting Dean finish. Dean's eyes widened, but before he could even decide whether he should believe Jack or not, Jack clarified what he meant. "Castiel is alive."

Cas was alive?

Cas was _alive?_

Cas was freakin' ALIVE?

It would explain the weird dream he just had . . .

"Are you sure?" Dean asked carefully. He couldn't get his hopes up. Right now, he didn't even believe in a damn thing, he already said that to Sam.

"Yes." Jack's smile was almost blinding. "I can feel him, I know where he is."

"Well, where is he?" Dean asked as he stood up from his bed. Screw sleep.

"Back at the house. Where I was born."

"Let's go." Dean didn't even take his gun. He just left the room and continued to the library, where Sam was sitting on a chair and still reading a book with a bier in his hand that Dean had given him.

"Where are you going?" he asked, confused.

"Jack says Cas is alive, we're going to find him," Dean explained quickly, not even stopping on his way to the stairs.

And within the next few minutes, they were all in the Impala.

xoXÖXox

It's been ten hours already and they were still in the car. Yeah, the house was pretty far away, but not that Dean cared. If Jack was right, and he really wanted to believe that he was, then Castiel was somewhere out there, _alive._

They only stopped once and that was to get fuel, get food and get gone.

But now that they were so close, Dean couldn't stop the doubts. Why did he believe Jack? He got in the car only because of a dream that could have been just a dream, and because of what Jack said. Which brought him back to the first question – why did he believe Jack? Was it because he was really trying to help them and because he saved them?

Dean didn't know, but he still intended to check the house, just in case. And if Jack could somehow _feel_ that Castiel was alive, then he'd find him. They would find him and bring him home.

It didn't even take more than twenty minutes and Dean could see someone walking along the road towards them. The man was wearing a trench coat, a dark blue tie and a white shirt.

Dean's heart almost skipped a beat.

"Dean, that's-"

"Yeah," Dean interrupted Sam as he hit the brakes and got out of the car.

The man on the road stopped as well and once Dean saw the familiar tilt of his head, he started running.

"Dean!" Cas smiled at him as soon as he recognized the car and the Winchesters.

"Cas!"

Dean didn't stop running until he had his arms firmly around Cas and his head on his shoulders. When he felt Cas' arms wrap around him, he couldn't stop the sob. It was real. He was really here, he was _alive._

"I missed you so much," Dean swallowed as he stared at the darkness behind Cas' back. Then he closed his eyes. "I prayed to Chuck, but he didn't listen. We had to . . . we burned your body."

"I saw the pyre," Cas nodded against him. "And I tried to reach out to you, but I don't have my wings anymore and I didn't know if-"

"I heard you," Dean chuckled.

There was something on the back of his mind, telling him that the hug was already too long for only two friends, but there was a lot of things that he's realized in the time that Cas was gone, and many things that he regretted. And he wasn't going to pull back until Cas let go first.

To his disappointment though, Cas let go of him. As soon as Dean looked into Cas blue eyes again though, all his disappointment disappeared and he let out a breath. His cheeks were probably wet from tears, but he didn't care.

"How long has it been?" Cas asked.

"About a week," Dean nodded. "You were dead for about a week."

"Hey Cas," Dean heard Sam from behind him. He brushed away his tears before he turned to look at his brother with Jack behind him. Sam didn't wait and gave Cas a tight hug too before he let go and smiled at Jack. "I can't believe you're back," he laughed.

"Castiel," Jack smiled.

For the first time, Cas looked away from Sam and Dean and his eyes landed on Jack. If Dean ever doubted that Jack had any emotions, those doubts disappeared now. Jack's eyes were filled with tears as he was smiling at Cas and when he took a step closer, not sure if he could get a hug as well, Cas didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the kid too.

Cas was finally back. He was alive and back and he was there to stay. Dean couldn't believe how lucky he was.

When they went back to the Impala, Dean asked Sam if he could drive this time. Sam didn't even hesitate before he got into the driver's seat, Jack getting into the seat next to him. That way, Cas and Dean would have the backseat to themselves. And honestly, Dean needed to sit next to Cas. He needed to see him or touch him to know that he was really there. Just to be sure this wasn't a dream. Besides, if he spent the ride looking at the mirror instead of the road, Sam would probably take the wheel from him sooner or later.

As they all got into the car and set off to the nearest motel, Dean took a deep breath and smiled at Castiel again. Cas returned the smile without hesitation.

And to tell the truth, there wasn't any room for hesitation anymore. Not after all that happened.

So when Dean reached out his hand and touched Cas' fingers, he didn't even close his eyes. He just kept looking at Cas and waited for his reaction. And when Cas' smile widened and he squeezed Dean's hand gently, Dean couldn't feel happier if he tried.

The decision to lean in and finally, _finally_ , kiss Cas, was an easy one.

And something was telling him that once they got into the motel, they wouldn't end on only kissing.

* * *

 **I just CAN'T WAIT for the next episode :D :D**


	5. 13x05 CODA

**I should have posted this last week, but I was kind of busy, so here you go. I'll also post a coda for 13x06 today.**

 **summary:** Dean's dead and now there's only Billie to talk to. She asks him about Castiel. She knows something, but doesn't say it, and then Cas comes back. Which means tears, hugs and kisses :)

 **13X05 ADVANCED THANATOLOGY CODA  
Keep Living**

* * *

"You've changed," Billie observes, "when you bargained with me just now. You could have asked to go back. To live."

"Well, I figure with you in charge, there's no getting back for me." Not that he wants to. What is left for him on Earth? Sam and Jack. And he loves his brother, but . . . it's not enough to make him want to go back. It's not enough to make him feel less pain because that's all there is for him: endless _pain._

An empty hole in his chest that won't ever get fixed.

So why should he want to go back?

"You could have asked me to bring _him_ back," she smiles at him. Why is she smiling? There's nothing funny about that.

"Cas?" he asks. She nods. "I didn't know Death could revive angles." But he thought about it. He did. "I thought only God could do that."

"Hm," Billie raises her eyebrows. "He did bring Castiel back a few times, didn't he?" Dean's silent. "That was before Castiel even entered the empty. Now though? It's too late for me to reach him."

"Then why are we even talking about it?" he asks, his voice a little rough. "Okay? Cas is- he's not coming back. And I asked you to free the ghosts because it was a good thing to do. Sorry for not wanting to- for not _asking_ to live."

"That doesn't sound like the Dean Winchester I know and love," Billie continues, walking away from him. "The man who's been dead so many times, but it never seemed to stick."

When he turns around, he sees that she moved to the shelves full of books. It's a strange place. A black Library of death.

"Maybe you're not that guy anymore. The guy who saves the world. The guy who always thinks he'll win. No matter what." God, it's like she's reading his mind. Voicing his thoughts. "You _have_ changed. And you tell people it's not a big deal, you tell people you'll work through it, but you know you won't. You _can't._ And that scares the hell out of you. Or . . . am I wrong?"

He merely shrugs. "What do you want me to say?" It's not like he can deny what she said. She's right. And he's tired of everything. "It doesn't matter. _I_ don't matter."

"Don't you?" she pushes.

"I couldn't save mom, I couldn't save Cas, I can't even save a scared little kid," he tells her. "Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down so I'm not gonna beg, okay? If it's my time, it's my time."

Billie doesn't say anything for a while. Then, "you really believe that." Dean kind of nods. "You wanna die." He hasn't thought about that, but it's not like he's had a great will to live lately either. "Is it because you were in love with him?"

He blinks. _Yes,_ is what he wants to say. But what he says is, "what?"

"Castiel," she pushes. "You loved him."

And he's tired of denying it. He's tired of everything, of feeling like shit all the time, of the _emptiness_ inside of him that he can't get rid of. As Billie said herself, he won't work through it. He can't. He'll never be able to move on from his death.

"I still do," he tells her. "I still love him, but he's . . . he's gone."

She raises her eyebrows again and turned to the books instead. "Dean, every notebook on this particular shelf, tells a version of how you die. You specifically." She starts walking back to him. He can't help but wonder if there's a shelf like this for Cas too. Somewhere. "Heart attack, burned by a red-haired witch, stabbed by a ghoul on a graveyard, on and on." Dean looks up at all those books – there must be hundreds of them. How many causes of death even is there? "But which one's right? That depends on you. On the choices you make."

"Well, I guess I made my choice."

"But," Billie says, "unfortunately, none of these books say you die today."

What? "Come again?"

"Since I got this new job, I stand witness to a much larger picture. Do you know what I see? You. And your brother. You're important."

"Why?" he asks.

"You have work to do," she says and walks away again. "It's all you need to know. And trust me." He turned to her again - she's back at her table. "Having my eyes open to the necessity of any humans, especially the Winchesters, is not a thrill. So, you wanna die, but I say. Keep living."

 _Keep living._

That's what she says. But how? How can he keep living without him? Without him in the bunker, without their moments spent together, without their phone calls when Cas was gone, without . . . without having told him that he loves him? How can he live, knowing that Cas never knew? That he never told him? That he waited until it was too late?

"How?" Dean asks. It's not like he can pretend he's okay anymore, so he just asks, his eyes watery and not caring that she sees him like this. "How can I live like this? Without him?" He shakes his head. "It's like torture."

She sighs. "You'll have to figure it out. Like everyone else does. You're not the only one who lost a loved one, Dean."

"But-"

He doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence. She sends him back, back to Sam and the haunted house of the crazy doc. When he gasps for air in Sam's arms, he can't help but think he hears her voice. It's silent like an echo, barely a whisper, probably just a hallucination or something. But he understands the words loud and clear nevertheless:

 _Not everything that gets burnt stays dead._

xoXÖXox

His phone rings.

Dean doesn't think much of it. It's true that not a lot of people have his number, but it could be Jody, Claire, or even Max. It's not like he doesn't know more people than only Sam.

But when he picks up the phone, it's someone he thought he'd never see again.

"Hello, Dean."

That's all he says. And Dean can't move. He keeps one hand on the steering wheel, but those two simple words that he thought he'd never hear again make him almost unable to do anything.

Dean glances at Sam, who's looking at him with a question with his eyes, asking _who is it?_

But Dean isn't sure he can talk either.

So after a moment, he finally whispers, "Cas?"

And the relieved sigh he hears on the other side makes him feel more alive than anything in the past few days. Ever since Cas died, nothing was normal. But now? At least he's got hope.

So when Cas tells him where he is, Dean asks him to wait there for them. And once they arrive, he can't even believe it's real. It feels like a dream, it really does. But the similar but undoubtedly new trench coat can mean only one person. And then Cas turns towards him and Dean can see his face. He sees the unshed tears in his eyes and he's sure that there are tears in his eyes too.

"Hello, Dean," Cas repeats and gives him a watery smile, "and Sam."

Dean almost forgot about his brother altogether. All he can see right now is the angel in front of him. He makes one experimental step towards him, still a little wary – this could be a hallucination, or a dream or a friggin' shapeshifter only taking Cas' face. But he remembers the desperation he felt when they burned his body. That emptiness. And he doesn't want to feel like that ever again.

So when Cas' smile get a tiny bit bigger, Dean can't take it anymore and he walks towards him as fast as he can.

"Cas," he mumbled as he throws his arms around him and squeezes tight. He grips the back of Cas' trench coat and closes his eyes, hiding his face in Cas' shoulder. Cas' arms around his back make him feel warm. And he can't help but try and get closer to him.

"Dean," Cas mumbles, "I'm sorry-"

"No, don't," Dean breathes a little too fast. Or maybe he's just crying. His voice sounds like that. "All I care about is that you're back."

"It's good to see you again too."

Dean smiles at that. He didn't think he'd ever smile again. But he's smiling now. He's grinning even though his eyes are still closed tightly. He opens them and takes a deep breath. And then it all comes out – everything he was too afraid to say in the past, too scared to tell Castiel until it was too late.

"I love you," he mumbles.

"What?"

"I _love_ you, Cas," he repeats with a laugh. "I've been in love with you for so long. And I should have told you, I should have-"

He doesn't get the chance to finish because Cas pulls away and gently grabs his face and before Dean even realizes what's happening, they're kissing. Lips on lips, a sweet first kiss with their lips moving just a little bit – better than Dean thought he'd get. And his eyes are closed again and he's smiling into the kiss and laughing when it ends.

"I love you too, Dean," Cas admits.

Dean nods, their foreheads touching and the smile can't seem to leave his face. Cas is back and he's with them and everything, the future, their lives, _everything_ seems brighter.

"Um, guys?" he hears Sam behind him.

Oh shit, Sam's there with him too. Dean turns around and opens his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing seems to come out.

Sam only smiles. "It's okay," he tells him and walks closer to them. Cas lets go of Dean to give Sam a hug as well. And when Sam pulls away again, with tears in eyes, he looks at both of them. "I'm happy for you," he says, "and I'm glad you're back, Cas."

"Thank you, Sam," Castiel smiles at him.

"Hey, Sam?" Dean asks, eyeing Cas with his eyes slightly narrowed. Then he nods and smirks at Sam, "do you mind driving us back home? I think we've got some unfinished business here."

Sam just rolls his eyes and walks back to the car.

But Dean takes Cas' hand, slowly locking his fingers with Castiel's and giving him a smile when he looks up. Cas squeezes his hand and returns the smile, and in that moment, Dean realizes that he doesn't want to die at all.

Not anymore.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it! :)**


	6. 13x06 CODA

**summary:** Two extra Destiel hugs, first kiss, the talk we know they need to have, basically everything we needed in the episode. :D (And Dean's the one to put that hat on Cas!) Starts with what happened in the bunker after they decided to go to Dodge City, and continues with what happened after Sam and Jack left the room, leaving grumpy Dean with his coffee and Cas behind.

 **13X06 TOMBSTONE CODA  
Dodge City Cowboys**

* * *

"Alright, well, two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and a dude just came back from the dead again, Team Free Will 2.0, here we go!" Dean says and turns away from them, heading happily for the stairs. Dodge City, he's been dreaming of finding a case there for so long!

"Dude," Sam stops him though. When Dean turns around, not one member of the new Team Free Will except for him moved. "We've just come back," Sam protests.

"And?"

"And I'd like to at least pack new clothes," Sam clarified. "Besides, Jack isn't packed at all."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Alright, I'll wait here, just hurry up."

Sam sighs, but can't help but smile at his brother's new attitude as he and Jack leave the war room and head for their rooms to pack. Dean just sits down at the table and looks up at Cas, who's the only one who stayed behind.

And that's good. It's good. Dean doesn't know if he could let him out of his sight after- He might feel great about the case in Dodge City momentarily, but he's more thrilled because they just got Cas back and . . . and he doesn't want to die anymore. He'll never forget how it felt to have that enormous empty hole inside him when Cas was . . . when he was _gone_.

"Dean?" he hears the angel call his name. He must have blanked out because Cas is already by the table, walking towards him with a worried expression on his face. Dean can't help but smile, even though Cas looks worried. He's _there_. He's _alive._ "Are you alright?"

"I am now," Dean nods at him. When Cas stops in front of his chair, Dean sighs and gives him a sincere smile. "I wasn't though," he admits before he stands up, his eyes never leaving Cas'.

He hesitates a little before he leans closer and wraps his arms around Cas one more time. Cas seems a little surprised, but he doesn't say anything and wraps his arms around Dean as well, tightening the hug. "I'm really glad you're back, Cas," he mumbles into his shoulder and since they're alone now, he allows himself to hold on to Cas a little bit longer, and a little bit tighter. Only a few hours ago he was _gone_ after all. And now he's _back_. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to make himself say those three big words he knows he has to admit at some point. But all he does is purse his lips and open his eyes again.

"I'm glad to be alive too," Cas pats his back, moving his hand that's resting on Dean's hip up to his waist.

"I missed you," Dean says instead and pulls away, quickly brushing away the tears that escaped his eyes. He just hopes that Cas didn't notice them. Then he glances around them, thankful that Sam and Jack are still gone. "I missed you. A lot."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas offers and he looks concerned again - he must have seen his tears. Dean knows he'll talk to him eventually. There are so many things he wants to tell him _, needs_ to tell him, but not now. Not when they're about to leave for another case. _Together_.

So he takes a deep breath and nods at Cas. "Not now though," he adds.

Castiel nods as well and purses his lips. Then he smiles at Dean. "Well, I'm here now."

Dean can't help but grin at that. "You are. And we're going to Dodge City. Man, Dodge City is so awesome, you're gonna love it." He puts his hand on Cas' shoulder and smiles.

"I've never been there before."

"I know," Dean nods. "Oh, my hat!" he says with another smile and turns away from Cas, walking quickly to his room. Cas follows him.

"What hat?"

"I can't believe I almost forgot it here," Dean says instead, opening the door to his room and going in. Cas follows him inside and just keeps standing there as Dean opens the closet and reaches to the back, under all his flannel shirts. And of course it's there. His cowboy hat. He never thought he'd use it again, but that day is here and he can't believe how much he missed wearing it.

He puts the hat on his head experimentally and turns to look at Cas, who only raises his eyebrows. "How do I look?" he asks and puts both his hands into his pockets.

"Like . . . a cowboy," Cas squints his eyes at him.

"Exactly," Dean nods with a grin. "And that's what Dodge City is all about."

Before either of them can say anything else, they hear Sam from the war room, "Dean?"

"We're coming!" he yells and adjusts the hat on his head. Then he winks at Cas like a c _owboy,_ quickly walking away as he realizes what he just did, and prompting Cas to follow him only by lightly touching his elbow.

They're going to Dodge City. _Finally._

And he's getting Cas a cowboy hat, whether he likes it or not.

xoXÖXox

Dean gladly fills his motel mug with the coffee that Cas prepared for them and sits down on the couch, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He stares grumpily in front of himself as he holds the mug. His eyes still aren't fully open.

"I told you," he hears Cas say to Jack, "he's an angry sleeper. Like a bear."

A _bear_? Seriously?

Dean tries to ignore it as he sips his hot coffee.

"Okay, so code three means an officer down," Sam explains, "looks like the victim was-"

"Covered in bite marks," Jack finishes for him. "Like from a zombie!"

"Or anything else that has teeth," Dean tells him, his voice still rough.

"Alright, change of plans," Sam sighs, "Jack and I will hit the graveyard, you and Cas hit up the crime scene." He closes his laptop.

"Works for me," Dean agrees, still sipping his coffee.

Sam, Jack, and Cas all stand up, but Dean isn't ready to go so he doesn't even move. Instead, he points at his coffee and tries to tell Cas to wait until he finishes, hoping that the angel sees it because he doesn't even have the energy to look up at him yet.

Thankfully, Cas sits back down and only Sam leaves the room with Jack in tow.

Maybe he is like a bear. He certainly takes a long time to wake up, and he might be a little bit grumpy, but he knows that Cas doesn't mind. So they just sit in the room in a companionable silence while Dean sips his coffee.

Cas is just watching him.

After they finally hear Sam and Jack close the door and leave the room for good, Dean looks up at Cas and realizes that the angel has been watching him the entire time.

"What," he asks and takes another sip.

"Nothing," Cas looks away but glances back at Dean eventually.

Dean rolls his eyes. "Spill."

Castiel is silent for a while. Then he sighs and looks at Dean and at his coffee, probably deciding if he should talk about what he wants to talk about. Before Dean can say something again though, Cas sighs and finally says, "you said you wanted to talk."

Now it's Dean's turn to be silent.

He did tell Cas that he wanted to talk to him later. He said he'd talk when they had the time or were alone and now that they were . . . Well, he should start talking. But damn, he _just_ woke up.

"You want to do that now?" Dean asks, avoiding the conversation for as long as he can.

"If it doesn't bother you."

Dean sighs and takes another sip. "Alright," he closes his eye briefly. And since there's no good way to start this talk, he just sighs and asks, "well, what do you want to know?"

"You said you weren't alright."

"I wasn't," Dean nods.

"What happened?"

Dean just looks at Cas. Isn't it obvious? Does it really need saying? "You died," he says when Cas seems he wants to hear it. "Mom was gone too and all we were left with was Lucifer's kid . . . Jack."

"What happened to Mary?" Cas asks. They haven't talked about that yet, not even in the car.

"She punched the Devil and got trapped in the apocalypse world with him," Dean shrugs while he stares at his coffee. Maybe he shouldn't pretend like he doesn't care, but right now he's finally okay and actually happy ever since the night Cas died and if he thinks about mom too much, all of that could disappear. And he doesn't want to ruin this.

"Dean, I'm so sorry," Cas tells him, "I should have been here, I-"

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault," Dean stops him with another hand gesture. "Thanks for the coffee by the way."

When he doesn't stand up and just stares at the coffee some more, Cas speaks again. "How are you feeling?" he asks. And Dean can't think of any other question that he'd rather not answer right now. He _just_ woke up, damn it.

But this is Cas. And only a few hours ago, he thought he was dead, but now he's sitting in front of him, looking at him with those two deep blue eyes of his, new tie and a trench coat and dark tousled hair that are just _asking_ for a cowboy hat.

Dean's eyes drop from Cas' hair back to his eyes and he smiles. "Now that you're back? Much better," he says. "To be honest, I think that after you d- after you _died_ ," he makes himself say it, looking down briefly, "I think that for me, there was just no point in anything anymore." He knows that Cas wants to say something, but he doesn't let him, "I don't remember the last time I felt that bad, to be honest. And you were almost too late, he adds under his breath.

"What do you mean?" Cas squints his eyes at him. Now he looks even more concerned.

"I met Billie," Dean clarifies.

"But I-"

"Yeah, and she became Death thanks to that. _The_ Death. And I met her." He really missed the confused face Cas is making. The way he tilts his head, just slightly - way less than he used to, but he still does it, and the way he narrows his eyes and just _looks_ at Dean . . .

"I . . . I killed myself," Dean admits before Cas can say anything. Now that he's talking, it's almost hard to stop. Everything is coming out and he knows he needs to say all those things, so he doesn't even try to stop. He just takes a deep breath. "It was stupid, I thought I could fix it, but the point was that I didn't even care. And then when I found out I couldn't fix it, it was too late and Billie found me. I could have stayed dead, but apparently, we're important."

"You _are_ important, Dean," Cas finally stands up and walks over to him. Dean waits until Cas is standing right in front of him before he looks up. "You are important to so many people, both you and Sam. You're important to Jack and to me."

Dean just blinks. "You're important to me too," he says. That was _so_ close to the three words he wants to say. "And I don't want to die anymore. You're back and . . . Look around, we're in Dodge City," he smiles. Then he finishes his coffee in one big gulp.

Cas takes the mug away from him without a word and puts in on the table. Dean stands up in the meantime, "thanks," he smiles.

"Dean, I don't think it's healthy to become suicidal over a death of a friend," Cas continues without acknowledging what Dean said. He looks into Dean's eyes that aren't tired anymore and looks so concerned that Dean can't help but roll his eyes.

Because Cas still doesn't get it. He doesn't fucking get it and it's all Dean's fault because he never built up the courage to tell him. Dean Winchester. Ready to fight monsters wherever they are but too afraid to voice his fucking feelings.

And it's not like he doesn't know how he feels, he's known for a long time, but Cas doesn't get it. He still doesn't get it.

So that's why Dean decides to do something else. "You're not just a friend, Cas," he says. And then, without any warning, he walks to the angel and plants a big but brief kiss on his lips. He even closes his eyes, no matter how short it was. But Cas just stares at him, wide eyes, not even blinking. "You're so much more than a friend," Dean continues. He's never been good with words. But then again, Cas isn't either. And without his first move, they'd be avoiding this moment for who knew how many more years. "I'm sorry that I couldn't move on, but I just _couldn't._ It was too much. Losing mom and you _, you_ . . ." he puts his hand on Cas' shoulder and squeezes, "it was all just too much, and I couldn't take it."

"I understand," Cas looks into his eyes as if searching for something.

"Cas, there's something I should have told you a long time ago. And if not before, what happened with Ishim should have made me say it, but it didn't and I'm sorry it didn't. I thought it was too late, but now you're back and I can . . . We can finally-"

He doesn't get a chance to finish that sentence as Cas brings him close by his t-shirt and kisses him. It's longer than before, and so warm and firm and yet the gentle moves of lips against lips are making Dean dizzy. He can't believe it's actually happening. And in Dodge City!

"I love you," he blurts out when he gasps for breath. He whispers the words again against Cas' lips, just to be sure Cas hears them, "I love you. That's what I wanted to say."

"I know," Cas nods as he captures his lips again. "I love you too."

"You do?" Dean laughs softly, bringing his hands from Cas' hips to his waist and wrapping them around him. This is the third hug he got in the last twenty-four hours. Yes, he's a very lucky man.

"Of course I do," Cas nods as he wraps his own arms around Dean tightly. "I always have. It just took me a long time to realize it and even longer to finally say it."

Dean smiles at that. "You and me both," he says. Then he pulls away and kisses Cas again, only briefly. His eyes brighten up as he smiles at him, "we should probably get going."

"You're right," Cas agrees.

They start moving after that. Dean goes for his suit and puts it on, Cas washes the mug and tastes the coffee. Before they leave the room, Dean stops him.

"Wait," he says.

"What?"

"There's something missing." Dean looks up at Cas' hair, who awkwardly touches it and tries to adjust his locks as if expecting Dean to tell him his hair is anything but perfect. Dean just smiles and then looks around the room.

And there it is. The perfect hat, just hanging on the wall, asking to be put on Cas' head. Dean reaches for it and smiles at Cas, who just keeps looking at him absolutely clueless. It's cute. It's _really_ cute.

"Here," Dean smiles as he puts the hat on Cas' head. "Much better."

Cas frowns at him. "No, this is absurd," he says. "I can't wear that."

"Of course you can, look," Dean reaches for his own cowboy hat that he left on the table and puts it on his head, smirking at Castiel. "See? Now they won't even know we're not from Dodge City."

Cas tilts his head at him, but he doesn't squint his eyes. Instead, he looks disbelieving.

"Come on," Dean pleads him. "For me."

Cas rolls his eyes, but there's a slight smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Alright," he says.

"You're the best," Dean grins and leans in to give him another kiss. Cas makes it longer by bringing Dean closer with a hand on his neck, and when they part again, he's smiling as well.

Dean steps away from him a little bit, looking up and down at his new boyfriend and his new look. And okay, yeah, maybe he didn't think of everything when he decided to give Cas that hat because just _looking_ at him seemed almost impossible without- well, it was hot. It was _really_ hot.

"Here we go," he clears his throat, keeping the proud smile on his face. And as they're leaving the room, he throws his arm around Cas' shoulders, muttering, "cowboy of the lord."

"I don't believe that is a correct term, Dean."

"It is now."

And the door closes behind them, the room now empty. Only soft laughing and talking can be heard from the hall, where a hunter who recently found his hope again and his angel, are walking together, hand in hand, to solve another case.

* * *

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